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Nov. 7th, 2011

confused

Better to have loved and lost?

Disclaimer: I had said in a previous entry that I would not rely on LJ for pure emotional rants. This is not one of those. The words have been chosen with care (to an extent) and I'm no longer angry. I also said I would not gossip. Due to the lack of names, I also hope that this is not that either. I am trying to line my thoughts up without having to actually talk to someone (especially if they were involved in all of this). Plus, I don't lose this like all of my written journals.

Less than a week ago my boyfriend broke up with me. This certainly isn't my first breakup, but it has been the most difficult one yes. I ha really allowed walls to come down so that things he said to me could thrill and excite me in the way many girls claim to feel in a relationship. It certainly worked and was a great relationship for the first month and a half, but the problem was I couldn't put the walls back when he became uncaring. It started with small things: having me as a backup plan in case his other friends weren't doing anything, mentally checking out of conversations, just going through the motions when we were becoming physically intimate. These things hurt, but I kept making excuses for him, telling myself that he was just busy, or that it was all in my head. Eventually he told me that he was depressed due to his medication. Although I felt horrible for him, this was good news in the long run! He would have the dosage changed, and within a few weeks the passion would be back. I'd have my fun boyfriend with me once again: the one who would stay up until 3am telling me stories, the one who enjoyed my sense of humor, the one who promised me that he would be the man who made me feel beautiful.

Yet, that didn't seem to happen. Even though his depression left him, I just wasn't a priority anymore. There were times when I thought "yes, we're okay now", but it would often be followed by him being either disinterested or flat out irritable. I'm not sure how many of those highs were him faking it for my sake. The small things became large: where I was once a back up plan I was now not really a plan at all (a consequence at best), I felt like I was begging for his attention at times (nice blow to the ego there), and we just didn't touch anymore. I'd try, trust me, I'd press close and plant kisses on him, but he wouldn't reciprocate anymore... sometimes he'd even hold me back and say "it just isn't there".

You know the end of the story, he broke it off. He said there was just no more romantic passion; he simply wasn't attracted to me anymore. It was such an empty feeling hearing that. The boy who said he would be the one to make me feel beautiful did just the opposite. I wondered if I had been lazy in conversation, gained weight, lead him to believe I was someone I wasn't..... in short, I blamed myself. Even as I sat there, crying on his couch, he told me that I was mourning what we had, not what the relationship had become. Yes, it hadn't been great, but I still cared greatly for him!

Leaving his house I had two main thoughts: 1. I HATED his beard. Fun- didn't have that beard. As it grew, so did the distance between us. 2. "Restrain yourself from going back, restrain yourself from going back" Basically, I wanted to pound on the door and say "Give me another chance! Please please please!" But that would be below me, and I didn't want anyone to see me that weak. Both of these thoughts boarded on ridiculous.

In the past days I've been extremely angry, sad, and even extremely happy at times. So much for priding myself in emotional stability... I can't blame him, I've decided, for breaking it off. To stay in a relationship out of pity would be horrible on both ends. Yet, that doesn't stop me from missing his texts, from being a part of his life. Of course, we'll still be friends.. That has never been an issue for me with exes. Yet, I so strongly DON'T want this to be over, that it's difficult to see him (and it's a SMALL campus). There is that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe he'll look at me again an think, "wow, I miss her" and we'll start again. I know... that hope must be squashed.
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" -Dr. Suess

Oct. 6th, 2011

spirted away

Revelation

I've figured it out! Or... perhaps I have put something together that everyone already knew. Regardless, I felt the need to share my discovery. First allow me to take you on a magical journey through my thought process.

I was driving home from work this summer and contemplating the idea of "nerd" vs "geek". In doing so, I was trying to dissect the various activities and interests that each stereotypically enjoys. What I found were not the differences but an overwhelming amount of similarities in the PURPOSE of these activities.

Let's name a few:
1. reading (normally in the realm of Science Fiction or Fantasy)
2. LARPing
3. card games (Pokemon, Magic, etc)
4. video games
5. strategy/story based board games
6. anything related to computers (from programming to blogging)
7. cosplay
9. TV shows that deal with the impossible things
10. comic books/manga

Okay... so that list can continue and feel free to add your own, but I have a point to make. All of these activities center around one thing- escaping. The participator is being taken, through imagination/graphics, to another world for a small amount of time. Granted, the participator knows they are safe and nothing in that world can ACTUALLY harm them, but he or she is willing to fully immerse his or her self for anywhere from half an hour to several days. Nerds and geeks are in a state of escapism.

Now we get to the question of why. Why, when the actual senses can be tingled and tantalized by reality, would one wish to live in a fantasy world? Coming from a nerd, let me tell you that it's easier. Human interaction can be terrifying. There's this little thing called "trust" that can get you in the back. The real world offers disappointments and responsibilities. Starting from the bullying in elementary school, to losing a job or not being able to pay the rent when entering adulthood. And, to quote Amanda Palmer, "it's so depressing when people die in real life". It is easier to leave reality for a world where everything is always interesting and, more importantly, not real. As much as one can become attached to Dumbledore and cry at his death with simple sadness (sorry, was that still a spoiler? Pfft!) it is easier to deal with that than to go through the complicated slew of emotions that come from losing a grandparent-- sadness, yes, but also guilt for not spending enough time with them, confusion as to why, possibly disgust at seeing a body, and then back to guilt.

Oops, I hit on serious... I swear this thing is writing itself. Anyway, I'm not saying this is a good thing. To escape from time to time is needed, and sometimes healthy. Yet, I want to be able to look back on my life and tell a next generation of what I accomplished, the people I met, the mistakes I made and what I learned from them. I don't want to be prompted to tell them about my younger years and respond... "Well, I slew that dragon of...... I fell in love with The Doctor..... I ..... I... " things at all add up to I read, I watched TV, and I played games.
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Jun. 1st, 2011

cool

Some Like it Hot



My taste in guys is unorthodox to say the least. And, although physical appearances aren’t ridiculously high on the list, there are some features that stick out for me. Among them are a nice smile…and glasses.
I have had friends ask me “why glasses? It makes no sense. Glasses are an unnatural thing.” I have found this an odd question with an odd line of reasoning. You can ask a man why he likes boobs, and he could certainly answer with biological reasons but it would falter at a personal level. Boobs may be natural (or not) but they are an exterior thing. They are something, to me, that makes no sense to be attractive. (Before I continue, I’d like to say that woman and men are equally as shallow. http://www.cracked.com/article_18866_5-reasons-women-are-as-shallow-as-men-according-to-science.html ) Yet, the question began a line of thought that I could not stop. Glasses? Why glasses? How are they possibly sexy? Here is the conclusion I have reached:

The general opinion from women on what makes men attractive has changed over time (if you read the link, you’ll see what it is currently), yet for men’s view on women it has stayed somewhat constant. Why is this? It returns to our basic instincts. Men are attracted to woman, whether they realize it or not, who can give them healthy children. These women are fit, curvy, and have a general healthy look about them (fuller hair, clean skin, etc.) For women, again whether we realize it or not, we look for someone who can provide for us. I’m not trying to be sexist here at all. I imagine in the days of the cavemen it was someone very fit because one needed to hunt in order to survive. On a tour of Jamestown (I think), I recall a tour guide saying that the attractive men were the ones with a bit of a belly and pale because they had money and could pay others to work for them. It changed back to bronze and brawny at some point. We no longer live in a society where the buff man makes all the money. The jock is thought to peak in high school. It is the educated man who is going to “most suitable” to bring home a decent salary and, therefore, afford food. What do educated men do? They read! Either with a book or a computer screen, eyes have to be focused on small words for a good portion of the day. This leads to problems with sight and therefore….wait for it… glasses!

This could very well be me defending a position that doesn’t need to be defended. Circular logic is sometimes called for- I like when guys wear glasses because I like when guys wear glasses. Yet, I’m rather proud of my conclusion, so from now on, if asked I will give the lengthier of the two.

May. 12th, 2010

spirted away

Breaking News

Both Saxon and Big Daddy (spiders) have disappeared from my bathroom.  Why should you care?  Well... I don't know where they might turn up.


Sidenote:  Alec got Batman: Arkham Asylum 3D for his XBox 306... it's GORGEOUS!   


My life:  I'm back at work and my feet/right shoulder are going to fall off.  Anyone going to rub them for me?

May. 7th, 2010

spirted away

Cliches about home and ruby slippers

So yesterday afternoon I returned home.  From that time until now I have already been attacked by the sibs, gone to my brother's soccer practice, reapplied at Kroger, had a wonderful lunch with storms_in_orbit, made a library run, and come to the conclusion that I'm probably lactose intolerant.  Wooh!  It's good to be home!
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Apr. 30th, 2010

spirted away

UVA Fail

So the day I've been waiting for came... a day early.  red_yvonne called to tell me that UVa had posted it's results.  I went to check and... I was wait listed!  That's probably the worst that could have happened.  If it said yes, I could start seeing what credits would transfer, make the necessary arrangements, etc.  If it had said no, I.. well, I really wouldn't have had to do anything.  Now I have to wait.

Finals are going well so far.  Three more and I go home on Wednesday!

Oh!  And my friend David got me hooked on this internet show.  It's called The Guild.   Anyone who has ever played RuneScape, WOW, or any roleplaying game will find this show highly amusing.  Or if you just like Felicia Day.... you'll like it then as well.  If you have iTunes you can get the first few episodes free, if not follow this link.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grCTXGW3sxQ
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Apr. 26th, 2010

YAY!

Addicted

I just want to tell my crazy friends that I, in the last few months, have finally jumped on the Doctor Who band wagon.  I am completely and utterly addicted.  Even my ringtone is Doctor Who themed.  The saddest part is that I had just gotten past Dollhouse addiction.  It's a fun rollercoaster, but I REALLY need to crack down and study for finals.

Yet, in celebration of the fact that I've made it through series four (NOOOO! *cries*  He knocked four times!  and I wanted the Master to stay!  GAH! *composes self).  Here is an amusing music video.  The whole reason it's amusing happens within the first minute, I believe.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2yWHVKhGhU

I need to sleep more :/

ps
the reason for the userpic is because I haven't felt this addicted since LotR.  I want to turn a corner and find the Tardis.

Apr. 7th, 2010

confused

Early Experience

So today was... interesting.  I overslept by a bit so I skipped my shower.  *smells self*  Eh, not too bad.  Anyway, I was a minute late meeting up with my driver for Early Experience (the observation teaching program).  She is always late, so I figured it wouldn't matter.  She wasn't there, so I waited.  We are suppose to leave at 7:45 am, around 8 I was worried.  I texted her and she responded "you weren't there, we left without you".

HOLD THE PHONE!  I am ALWAYS there on time and we ALWAYS seem to call or text the other girl if she is late.  It was rude and I was frusterated.  I had already lost too many hours to snow days and now I really do not have time to make them up.  

Luckily she came back and got me.  I had to bite my tongue and thank her for coming back.  I ended up editing essays the whole time and my teacher didn't care as long as I finished and had my lesson plans ready for Monday.  On the bright side, I have found that I really enjoy teaching, so that's two years of college not wasted.

I had a good talk with Kate last night which rarely happens anymore.  She's always so busy :( 

The reality of a possible transfer is starting to settle, and I don't like it.  I really want to get into UVa, if only for my pride's sake.  Yet, after that I don't know.  The transfer of credits sounds like it's going to be a bitch and now that I've already signed of for classes at FUS, I'm getting excited about them.  Any of my friends out there who have transferred, how long does it take to find out the classes that transferred over?

Last thing, I promise-  I was fired.  Or "terminated" as my boss put it (which sounds much cooler).  Kroger is under a new "zone" so if I'm not back every four weeks, I am terminated by the computer system.  Luckily, my boss loves me and will rehire me as soon as I get back.

Apr. 6th, 2010

Bam!

INFP

So, I took one of those Myers Briggs personality tests TWICE and got the same result on a paper and internet one.  I found the description surprisingly accurate and wanted to share.  Oh, I hope everyone had a good Easter :)

At work, INFPs contribute their creativity, their value system, and their ability to work with others. They are able to see the larger picture and how specific programs fit in. They do not dwell on the trivialities or the details. Their job must be fun, although not raucous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when made the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time.

Work Setting

INFPs like to work with cooperative people committed to the same values that they are. They can become bothered when they see others working at cross purposes, especially when conflict is overt. They do not like competition or bureaucracy. They see what needs to happen in a broad sense and dislike dealing with red tape. They want some privacy and keep a lot to themselves, especially personal information. Calm and quiet appeal to them, as does time and space for reflection. People usually like working with INFPs even though they may not know them well.
 

INFP children often create their own fantasy world and live very much within it. They may daydream about what is important to them, and sometimes others wonder if they are in touch with reality. They often get lost in their thoughts and books, and may develop a special ability in communicating, such as writing.

They are somewhat reserved, especially in new situations, and they may not even like telling others their names, although they feel special when someone else unexpectedly remembers theirs.

INFPs decide early on what is important to them, what is of value. They tend to rely on themselves for direction and are reticent to ask others for help. They would rather do things themselves, to make sure they are done properly. INFPs have found this to be both a strength and a curse. Depending only on themselves and being careful not to show mistakes to others is important.

As teens, INFPs may have a bit of a rebellious streak. They may argue with those who hold different values than they do. They are also likely to have a small, close set of friends with whom they share good times. In the comfort of those close relationships, they can relax and are often quite entertaining, since they see the world in a different and special way. Their sense of humor is readily apparent. However, unless an INFP finds an appreciation for his or her uniqueness and personal values, he or she may feel like an odd person out.

When they set their minds on things, INFPs are not likely to give up easily, yet because of their outward gentleness, they do not show their determination. They may not take a direct path, but somehow they reach their dreams. INFPs try to get what they want but will strive to have others feel good about it.

As young adults, INFPs may have some difficulty finding the ideal career and the ideal mate, in part because of that very word "ideal." They have a vision in mind of what they want, yet reality may not follow suit. They may make several starts and stops in their career until they find a comfortable place for themselves. INFPs have a need for perfection in connection with their personal values. They become frustrated with those who dwell on trivialities.

INFPs need a purpose beyond the paycheck. They become burned out easily if their job does not fit their value system; they may not feel good enough about what they have achieved and, as a result, may undervalue themselves and their contributions.

In retirement, INFPs need to look back and feel that they have led a worthwhile life that has made a difference. They want time for a variety of activities, including travel. They may also be very attached to their family and enjoy special visits with them.

INFPs in Love

< go back

For the INFP, love is a very deep commitment, and one that is not easily attained. They have ideals, and therefore reality may be carefully scrutinized.

With their ideal firmly envisioned, the first date with that special person is carefully planned and prepared for, and often every aesthetic thing is taken care of. The flowers are in place, the right wine is ordered, and the proper meal is prepared.

INFPs may have difficulty sharing their feelings about others. They keep so many of those feelings inside that they may forget to tell their partner how much they love and appreciate them. They also need reminders of their partner's love.

When things go wrong in a relationship, the INFP takes it to heart but does not readily discuss it with others. They may not be willing to communicate to let others know how they are feeling. When scorned, they are very hurt and may overreact in an almost maudlin way.

 

Feb. 1st, 2010

spirted away

Apologies

Okay, my last entry makes me ashamed of myself.  I overreacted and probably shouldn't have been nasty towards the guy on the internet.  I realize that if it had been me in his position I would be rather hurt.  I did have some reason to worry, for the record.  I will tell you all about it (in private) if asked.
Also, yell at yarkelf if you talk to her.  She got my hopes up with the possibilities of her visiting me.  Now she changed her mind *pouts*  WOW!  Listen to me go on!  I'm on a role tonight.
Erm... something happy.... NEW EPISODE OF BIG BANG THEORY ON TONIGHT! 

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